Written by Megan Parker
For years, gaming sites have been trying to unlock the mystery of the female mind and decide just what it is that would attract girls and women into gaming. As surprising as it may seem, there are very few lists describing what boys and men want in games. We here at Gamer’s Intuition recognize this deficiency in the world of gaming, and we have decided to correct such an oversight.
After exhausting research, we have come up with the ten things guys want in video games. Follow these rules and that hard to reach male demographic is sure to come flocking! This is also a great list for those looking for gift ideas this holiday season. Be sure to ask your local game shop clerk if the games have these features.
So, without further ado, this is What Guys Want!
#1: No maps or navigation system. Ironically, the first one is what guys don’t want in a video game, and that is a map. Everyone knows real men don’t use maps, so including them in games that are aimed at the male demographic is an insult. In fact, not only should maps be kept out of guy games, but points or other awards should be given to the player for refusing to ask for directions when he inevitably gets lost. The more he wanders aimlessly, trying to find his way, the more points he gets.
#2: No instructions. Following in the same suit, guys also don’t want directions, neither in the game nor in that silly little book with words and pictures giving a quick overview of the game. Real men figure things out on their own even if it means dying repeatedly in the process.
#3: No emotions. Emotions are such silly things for men. Guys don’t want love or romance in their games, or to actually open up to the other characters. Points or other awards should be given for intentionally avoiding talking about his feelings. An emotional combination would add to the challenge of the male gamer by not only avoiding talking about his feelings, but blowing crap up at the same time.
#4: Large weapons. Speaking of death and destruction, the next on our list of things guys want is large weapons. These of course are not to compensate for a deficiency in other areas, but are purely there to blow crap up by ejecting various projectiles at the enemy with high velocity. And again, this isn’t compensating for anything, so really, your mind should stop going in that direction.
#5: No storyline. Storylines are honestly not what guys seek in games. Seriously, it totally gets in the way of blowing crap up with your large gun. Just give the boys a quick general idea of what they’re supposed to do in the particular mission without breaking rule number nine. “Blowing crap up” is usually the best way to go, but sometimes you can go with “blow crap up and save the princess”. It’s just enough information for them to realize that they should not blow the princess up.
#6: Damsel in distress. Speaking of princesses, games for men should almost always have a damsel in distress to save. She should be incredibly beautiful with boobs larger than her brain. Giving her a personality or intelligence is an absolute faux pas, as this is not what men look for in a woman. Remember the basic rule, gentlemen prefer blondes, not intelligent brunettes with dorky glasses and an encyclopedic knowledge of whatever the game happens to be about. She should also be desperately in love with the male character even though she is so clearly not in his league.
#7: Provocative women. The princess, or whatever the title the damsel in distress would have should also dress very provocatively. Nothing gets men going like those obnoxiously large breasts coupled with a physically impossible physique.
#8: Minimal female clothing. For the few games for guys that actually allow for or feature a female main character, she must also be dressed with the absolute minimal of clothing. Of course, all women when going into battle choose Victoria Secrets Push Up Plate armor with matching panties, garter belt and shiny stockings. What better way to fight a battle than to expose every single soft part of the female body to harm! This of course, will confuse the enemy and cause blood to splurt out his nose.
#9: Boob physics. Regardless of what role the female characters play in the game, the absolute must for every one would be Boob Physics (TM). Boob Physics (TM) may sound complicated to actually accurately portray how women’s breasts move under various articles of clothing, and that would be alright except that these games are aimed at guys. In all likelyhood, none of the guys playing the game would have actually seen a real pair of breasts, so realistic movement is not necessary. Instead, make sure the breasts bounce a lot and move in all directions. It is especially intriguing to the men to have the breasts defy physics and actually move in opposite directions independently for a simple act such as jumping.
#10: Vehicles. The final word of advice we have for those looking to pull in the guys is to make sure there are vehicles in the game to drive around. This is especially important even in games such as Nintendogs or Viva Pinata. There is nothing more that guys want to than run crap over. Other than blow crap up, of course.
So there you have it denizens of the gaming community. A complete list compiling just exactly what guys want in their video games. If you were to follow these ten simple rules, the games you make (or buy, it’s the Holidays if you didn’t notice) will be absolutely loved and played by the male gender.
Disclaimer: This piece was written with the purpose of highlighting how ridiculous and innacurate any article regarding “standard” girl-gamers’ tastes can be. If you didn’t notice the sarcarsm, then there is no hope for you. 😉